“Why didn’t he love me?” I cried out again, and I watched as Brandon stood up and left the room.
I felt my heart breaking then. He was walking out on me again. I didn’t understand how a father couldn’t love his child. I was a part of him. I couldn’t comprehend why or how he could have done this to me.
“I always knew something was off in my family,” I whispered to Meg. “I always just assumed it was because Maria had killed herself. I thought my parents were just in shock over that, but I could see it in their eyes. There was always something that seemed off. I always felt like they wanted to tell me something, but they didn’t know how.”
“He loves you, Nancy.” Katie walked towards me then with a small smile. She sat down on the ground with Meg and me, and she looked into my eyes. “He loves you more than you know. I’m sure of that.”
“You knew about me?” I frowned
“He told me last night.” She nodded. “He said he couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. He was sorry for having lied about it. He didn’t know how to come clean. I think he didn’t want to believe he’d been that person.”
“He did that for you, not me.” My heart ached. “I know he loves you. You’re the one. That’s what Patsy told me. She said she never believed it would happen. She thought you were a fool. She knew all about your relationship with him. She said that you had a child with him. That I had a brother. That he had raised my brother because he loved you and wanted a part of you in his life. He didn’t love Maria and he didn’t love me and that’s why he never came for me.” I felt wooden as I spoke and the words came out. “He loves you and that’s why he told you.”
“Oh, Nancy.” Katie’s eyes filled with tears, and I knew she couldn’t defend him anymore. She knew what I was saying was true. He loved her with all his heart. I was nothing to him.
“You’re wrong, Nancy.” Brandon’s voice surprised us all as he walked back into the room. “You’re very, very wrong.” He had some files in his hand, and I looked at him in confusion. “I did tell Katie because I love her. I love her with all my heart and I knew that I couldn’t lie anymore. I was never ashamed of you. I was ashamed of who I was as a human being. I was ashamed of all the horrible things I’ve done. I didn’t think I was worthy of her love.” He stopped in front of me. “And I didn’t think I was worthy of your love, but never for a second think I haven’t loved you. Never for a second think that I’ve not thought of you. You have been in my heart from the moment you were born.”
“Then why didn’t you come for me?”
“I didn’t want to upset your life. You were with your parents. They loved you. They took care of you. I made sure to send money every month. I made sure you were okay. I had someone make sure you were okay. I’m sorry. If I were to do it again, I’d make another choice,”
I looked down at the floor then, not knowing what to say or how to feel.
“See this?” He took something out of the file. “This is a picture you drew for me that weekend.” He handed me a drawing that I vaguely remembered. “You drew it and you gave it to me with the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen. I gave you a hug and I never wanted to let go.” His voice caught. “I’ve had this picture with me since that day. I look at it and I think of you. I think of my daughter. I think of how much I love you. I think about how proud I am of you.”
“Proud?” I frowned.
“I’m proud because you’re a straight A student. I’m proud because you volunteer at an animal shelter. I’m proud because last year you went to prom with a guy who has Down’s syndrome. I’m proud because you think with your heart and you do what you think is right.”
“How did you know all that?” I looked up at him with a beating heart.
“I may not have been in your life, but I’ve made sure to keep track of your life.” His eyes were bright with unshed tears. “You’ve always been in my heart. I’m not proud of the man that I was. I’m not proud of the secrets I’ve kept, the lies I’ve told, the jealousy in my heart. But I want things to change. I want things to be different. I want you in my life. I want us to have a relationship. I want the chance to be the father I should have been from the beginning.”
“I don’t know.” I bit my lip and looked at Katie to see how she was reacting.
“I want that as well, Nancy.” She looked into my eyes. “Brandon and I have our own tumultuous history, and there have been times that I have hated him, but he’s a good man. He’s the man I love. He’s the man I want to spend my life with. I know this is hard for you and this is your decision, but know that you are welcome into our family with open arms.”